


Tea and Tears

by dahtwitchi



Series: Iruka the Unwilling Babysitter [2]
Category: Boruto: Naruto Next Generations, Naruto
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Family, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Support, Family Issues, Gen, Iruka didn't ask for this, Post-Episode 500 (Naruto), Relationship Discussions, Tea, it's complicated - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-23
Updated: 2019-03-23
Packaged: 2019-11-28 20:32:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,896
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18213275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dahtwitchi/pseuds/dahtwitchi
Summary: Iruka hadn't quite meant to sit Sakura down and let her pour her heart out to him over tea, but he can't very well stop her now once she began letting it all out.





	Tea and Tears

The silence was one of the most awkward Iruka could remember he had ever experienced. 

“Do you… do you want some tea?” he offered, making a vague movement toward the kitchen area, deliberating on the spot.

“That's not necessary,” Sakura smiled at him, visibly swallowing down as another sob seemed to break out. “I'll just take Sarada and go, I won't trouble you, I'm so sorry, Iruka-sensei, I-”

No matter how much Iruka just wanted to go hide from this trainwreck, he wanted to let Sakura walk home alone in this state even less. 

“No, it's no bother, please sit down! I've already got hot water, and Sarada is asleep,” he interrupted her as he went for the kettle, settling his shoulders and tried his best to collect himself as he readied the tea. 

The sound of Sakura sitting down was good. Her stifled sob less so. Staring down into the mugs, he tried to tell himself he could do this. He had put plasters on her bruises when she was a child, had comforted her more than once when she and Ino had had disagreements. He had even talked to her about boys when she had been upset about Sasuke-

Iruka winced.

Sasuke.

A can, no, a whole barrel full of worms that one was. To Sakura, to Naruto, to so many, Iruka himself included. And he had jumped straight into it. 

He almost changed his mind.

Almost.

“Here you go,” he said in a soft voice as he put the mug down in front of her, nodding his acknowledgement to her thanks. “Mind, it's hot,” he added by routine while sitting down on the other side of the small table.

Silence.

That stretched, as Sakura tried to collect herself, and pretend she hadn't begun to cry when Iruka with sympathy had asked if it wasn't very hard being a mother alone. He had to hide another wince at the recollection, his small talk capabilities were atrocious.

Sakura’s fingers moved over the mug, tapping out a short pattern, caressing the rim, clenching her hands around it. As she finally began to speak, it was in a low voice, sounding more like the child he remembered than a the full grown woman he saw in front of him.

“It… it is,” she whispered down into the mug, “I don't _want_ to see myself as alone, but…”

Iruka grimaced, having no clue what kind of reaction to offer. This was all a minefield of emotions and the completely, utterly unknown. 

“Sakura, you don't have to talk about it,” he whispered back When she stayed silent. “Its fine, you don't have to talk to me about this.”

“But I can't talk to anyone else about it!” she lifted her head to look him in the eye, sudden and so obviously pained he just had to make sure to be here for her. Whatever it entailed.

“Sasuke talks more to Naruto than to me, and I can't use whatever chance I have to talk to whine to him about it being hard when _he_ is all alone out there! But it _hurts_ every time I hear from Naruto that they exchanged letters, it just- And Naruto is so happy every time, but he doesn't _notice_ that Sasuke talks to _him_ but not me, and I don't want to point out to Naruto about my situation when he has such a perfect family life with Hinata!”

The outburst had Iruka almost reel back. The frustration was hard to hear, and with his suspicions about the state of Naruto's family life it was a shock to be reminded how normal Naruto looked to most. It was the same smile they wore, Sakura and Naruto, he reflected. Professional and sincere without the passion and energy he connected to both of them.

“You don't need to compare yourself to Naruto and-” he tried, but broke off at her whimper.

“I know! I know. I just, it hurts to see them, to see all of the others so happy. All of them together, have a home with a family and get on so well with their lives. I should be happy, Iruka-sensei! Happy and supportive of Sasuke wherever he is, and happy about Sarada, and I feel so _guilty_ that I'm not! I can't tell anyone about it! I sit at home in the evening, alone, have had a baby and myself, _alone_ , all the time. No one to turn to, or to take over for a minute. I always have to have her with me, and I feel horrible for resenting it sometimes! I just wish I could- I envy them _so_ much, they’ve all got someone to share it with.” at the end her voice had risen from a whisper, and now spoke hurriedly, as if trying to get it all out as quick as possible.

But you are talking to me about it, Iruka thought. You spill your thoughts and your pain and your tears at my kitchen table, how can you entrust such secrets to me, he wondered.

“Can't your parents…?” he hesitated, feeling supremely unsuitable giving suggestions on the matter. This was so far out of his comfort zone.

Sakura went back to staring at the mug. Fiddled with the handle, and drew a shuddering sigh.

“They just… They can, they even want to. They just, always want to talk about Sasuke, when he will come back, how I can be fine being left with a child,” she murmured. “I mean, I kind of understand where they, when I imagine Sarada in my situation, I wouldn't want such pain for her,” she put her face in her hands, making a pained sound that had Iruka wanting to flee the apartment.

“I can't admit to them how hard it is, they are already so prejudiced about him,” she whispered into her hands, voice detached in a way nothing of her body spoke of. “I'm afraid they'd be even more inquisitive, be even more intense about whether I should stay with him, and I don't know if I can handle that. Ino does the same you know? Point out her perfect perfect life with Sai. Im avoiding her, you know. It's easier. But it gets so lonely. I avoid my parents, I avoid my friends, work all day and then go home to sit and try to be a mother in a big, empty house. And for what? Because I'm afraid I'm not strong enough to stay his wife if someone question the relationship? What kind of faithful wife am I? What's even the point if I'm that easily swayed? And then, then I wonder how he could do this to me! Just leave me with a child, wanting an heir, someone to pass his clan secrets to, but not stay with us! Are we really a couple or am I just a convenient means to carry on the Uchiha line!? But that is so very unfair of me! But I can't stop myself from thinking so many bad things about him, while I promised to be faithful and supportive despite knowing he wouldn't stay here… How can I defend him so one moment, but blame him another? How is this right?” 

She finally broke out in sobs, curling up over the table, hiding her face completely. 

Every moment, Iruka discovered a new nuance of awkward possible to reach. He was the wrong person! He felt unable to do anything but just listen to her. No advice, no comfort. Just stunned by being part of someone else's pain. Looking at the crying girl, woman, girl, he couldn't even decide that, he felt helpless in a way he never did with children. His own relation to Sasuke was so complicated, so entangled with Naruto, and the pain he had caused Naruto. But also how he had been in Iruka’s class, how he had changed in front of Iruka, and Iruka never had been able to connect with him. The nagging thought that if he had tried just a little harder to talk to Sasuke, if he had spoken up properly to the Sandaime, maybe Sasuke never would have ended up like he did. Maybe Iruka could have stopped Sasuke from ending up hurting Naruto, hurting so many people. And now, now Sasuke was off, and Naruto just licking up whatever he could, so much did he love Sasuke. And Sasuke went off again. He felt such a sudden vehemence toward Sasuke for Sakura's sake, too, unable to take into account any mitigating circumstances. He knew it was more complicated. Just. Naruto had suffered so! And Sakura obviously had, too. People he felt far more connected to, understood better, had been hurt, and that was too hard to look past. It was with much effort he turned back to here and now, uncomfortable with his inability to forgive Sasuke completely, no matter what he had told Naruto.

“I don't know if I want it to be like this,” Sakura was whispering, voice trembling between the sniffles. “Some days I just want it to end.”

“No!” Iruka exclaimed, sitting up in alarm, completely leaving his thoughts of Naruto's suffering behind, “Sakura, you need help if it's that bad! You haven't done anything- are you- life is worth living!” He felt like slapping himself at the way the words sounded. 

With confusion, Sakura looked up at him, eyes red rimmed, strands of hair clinging to her wet cheeks. She stared at his earnest face for a second before her expression cleared up, only to turn to awkward again.

“Iruka-sensei, no, no I just… I meant with-” she had to clear her voice and look away, “-I meant with Sasuke. Not- it's not that bad.”

“Sorry, sorry I thought, well, I'm glad you aren't, that it's ok. Well, not ok, but somewhat ok. In some ways. A bit. In one area at least,” Iruka had to close his eyes in embarrassment over his own words. He was ashamed over his words, his misunderstanding, his lack of helpful advice. Ashamed about how he felt more occupied with what he himself said than trying to sympathise with her. She was pouring her soul out, and he stammered nonsense.

Her huff of laughter had him opening his eyes to stare at her. She was once again looking at the mug, her hands cradling it and the tea still undrunk. 

“Yes, I guess, some things. Some things aren't horrible,” she rubbed at her eyes and pushed the tangled strands behind her ear, only to cradle the mug again. “I just wish the hard parts didn't… weren't so heavy,” she sighed. “Some days are fine. But others… there is so much doubt. Ino teased me, well, used to tease me, how I got a childhood dream fulfilled, getting married to Sasuke, having a child with him. So, I ask myself if I'm ungrateful, I did get what I always wanted after all. I just never imagined love fulfilled would be… painful.”

Love. Iruka shrunk back, kept his eyes at her fingers stroking the handle again. He sometimes wondered if he had ever been in love, if there would ever be love for him. He had thought, a few times, that this might be it, but it had never become anything. There was a sharp sense of jealousy crossing his mind, as he thought of how Sakura and all the kids, they all _had_ got someone in one way or another. Iruka had no one. Just an endless row of kids that didn't actually belong to him. No family left, no family to build. He was woefully lacking in knowledge about relationships, which felt worse for every year. Some days he thought everyone surely saw how he never got a partner, that they found him a laughing stock for being without this experience. Other days he wondered if anyone really knew, if they all just didn't notice how he never found someone. 

Sakura was talking again. Shame, Shame, Shame! He harshly pushed away his own inadequacy to try and cover it with someone else's problems instead.

“-so some days I don't know if I ever really, truly loved him. If it was just an obsession and I stuck with it because I somehow can't love anyone. But other days I… I'm sure I never want anyone else. But am I staying with him because I just don't feel like having someone else, or because I want to be with him. It's not as if I am with him, much, does it really matter enough to bother staying with him, when we aren't even together in almost any sense of the word,” she trailed off, looking up at Iruka with the eyes of every kid trying to understand the pain of unwanted reality. He could only gape at her, feeling too many words resonate with his own thoughts.

“I'm sorry it's so hard,” he whispered, feeling inadequate and afraid to say something more stupid, to lay out his own woes and troubles. 

She blinked at him, her face slowly scrunching up as tears began to flow anew. Iruka’s heart sank even further, cursing his very ability to speak.

“No one-” she sobbed, “-everyone else just-” her voice was broken up by shudders and hiccups and she covered her face with her hands, “-try to fix- try to change -that was- thank you Iruka-sensei!”

Blinking, Iruka was baffled. He wasn't sure what he had done to deserve the thanks, other than been unable to show proper support, or been having uncharitable thoughts. He hastily got up as Sakura stood, wiping her eyes with harsh movements, seeming to pull herself together as best she could.

“I really should go, I'm sorry you had to hear all that, it just, I couldn't stop when I started and no one has really _listened_ ,” she sighed, getting more collected by the minute.

“Oh, don't excuse yourself, really, I didn't do anything,” he rushed to say, holding up his hands in a negating move, “The only thing I can think of to do anything about your pain is offering a plaster,” he rambles, “one of the pink ones, with flowers on them, the ones you always wanted when you were small…” he was a disaster. A complete disaster. A utter, horrible-

Sakura hugged him.

“You are the sweetest, Iruka-sensei,” she giggled, shudders still running through her voice from the crying. Iruka wondered if he should hug her back, unsure of how and where to hold her.

“I'm glad you allowed me to talk to you, I haven't felt this light in a long while,” she smiled as she let go before he had decided on how to return the hug. She didn't look at him as she turned around to Sarada, still sleeping on the bed. Her smile grew softer, more true, as she went to pick up her sleeping daughter. 

She did indeed seem lighter, but the return of reality after being buried in a flood of emotions made them both awkward again, for having said and heard so much. As she thanked him for the baby sitting, he went through their routine where he assured her it was fine, Sarada was truly the most well behaved of the lot of them, no he didn't need anything for it, really, he can do it anytime! Stepping out of the door, she paused, staring at the balustrade bathed in the light of the apartment. 

“I'm very thankful you listened, you don't know how good it felt, thank you. Even if I'm not your student anymore,” she said in a low voice, toes of one foot rubbing against the other. 

It was as if no time had passed, as if the grown mother with far higher rank and skill than himself just yesterday scraped her knee when trying to match up with the children from shinobi clans.

“You will always be that kid to me,” he smiled, warm and nostalgic, “you'll see when Sarada is fifty, and you still worry and care.”

Sakura laughed, smiled as brilliantly as she ever did, despite red eyes and runny nose. 

“Goodnight, sensei,” she said as she stepped out into the late evening, bending her head down into Sarada’s hair.

 

Iruka’s apartment was empty. Like Sakura's. The lonely evenings without company, trying to make time pass. The jealousy reared again, a brief thought that Sakura at least had her child, that _she_ had someone important there all the time. 

But.

Her pain was a different one. 

 

He remembered the feeling of seeing Sakura of today, and the child he comforted years ago, overlapping during the evening, and smiled a crooked smile.

Even parents sooner or later would have to see their children grow up and move out. Maybe there were more people than Naruto that thought of him fondly, still. The thought of Naruto, and that nest of troubles brewing, had him grimace. Shaking his head and trying to dispel the negative feelings, he sat down to drink the tea he hadn't managed to get down, telling himself there were a whole pack of toddlers he was practically the uncle of, and he was trusted to care for.

Maybe he should move to a place better fitted for so many children visiting. They could have sleepovers. Maybe even a place with a small yard.

**Author's Note:**

> <3 at Kalira because beta :3


End file.
